


Keeping up With the Waynes: The Guardian Angel

by grindly



Category: Batman (Comics), Batman - All Media Types, Batman - Fandom, Nightwing - Fandom
Genre: Crack, Gen, Humour, Parody, kardashians AU, reality show
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-06-25
Updated: 2016-06-25
Packaged: 2018-07-18 05:27:14
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,952
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7301275
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/grindly/pseuds/grindly
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Keeping up with the Waynes S08ep04: “The Guardian Angel.” One of Dick’s ex-lovers threatens to leak a sex tape,  and Dick is torn between giving into demands or taking a stand for himself.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Keeping up With the Waynes: The Guardian Angel

**Author's Note:**

> this is 100% crack. They’re talking to the camera every time there’s bolded brackets and a script format. Every divider is a scene change.

The show’s opening sequence features glitzy music. There is a time lapse shot of the sun setting, and Gotham City wakes up in a twinkle of glimmering lights.  Cars zip along the freeways at triple speed. Multiple quick shots introduce us to Wayne Manor, in all of its lavish immensity. 

We pan slowly over the perfectly manicured property. We get glances of the swimming pool, the tennis courts, the lake and the many luxury vehicles that sit in the driveway, sparkling like jewels.

Bruce, Alfred, Dick, Jason, Tim and Damian stand in a row, decked to the nines in their finest suits and framing the title: **Keeping Up With The Waynes.**

( Dick Grayson appears in closeup against a white backdrop. With his tanned skin, glossy black hair and gorgeous features that speak of ambiguous ethnic origin, Dick looks every bit like a model. It’s no wonder that he’s broken so many hearts over the course of the show.

 **Dick:**   **I woke up this morning to a text from someone claiming to be one of my exes. And now they’re trying to blackmail me.** )

Dick’s words resonate with us and set the tone for what’s to come. We open on an establishing shot of the Wayne’s kitchen, which is huge and has one of those island counter things that only rich people have. Dick is sits at the table behind an artful arrangement of fruit. He looks far broodier than he has ever looked throughout these past 8 seasons.

“What’s wrong?” Tim asks. Tim is pale, small and pretty in a soft way. His hair is black and shaggy and frames his face.

Dick holds up his iPhone 6S Plus, making sure that the logo is visible. Tim takes the phone and reads the text.

“Pay me two million by tomorrow night or I’ll leak the video.” Tim reads. “What video?” He hands the phone back to Dick.

We zoom in to a closeup on Dick. He doesn’t say anything, but his sheepish expression gives the audience just enough information to figure it out for themselves. “I don’t have that kind of money.” Dick blurts. “This is so unfair.” 

**( Dick: I do have that kind of money, but I have a vacation coming up, so this isn’t really something I want to be dealing with right now. )**

Dick bites his lip and stares out the window.

Jason Todd enters the scene. He looks like he wasn’t expecting there to be cameras, because he freezes, his eyes widen and he mouths the word “fuck.”  

Jason is markedly shabby next to Dick and Tim, but this is nothing new. Today he has stubble and his ratty leather jacket is covered in scuff marks. Jason quickly shoves something down the front of his pants. Behind him, he has tracked a trail of dirt all over the white marble flooring, tarnishing the overall aesthetic of the shot.

Jason opens the stainless steel fridge and takes a swig of milk straight out of the carton before leaning against the counter.

“Sup.” Jason says.

“Someone’s threatening to leak Dick’s sex tape.” Tim answers. 

“Well shit,” Jason responds. “Do you know who it’s from? I could…talk…to them.”

Dick shakes his head. “It could be anyone,” he laments. From this camera angle we see that Jason has a gun peeking out of his pants. 

“Whaddya mean anyone?” Jason says. "How many sex tapes did you make?”

“Stop slut-shaming me Jason!” Dick shrieks. He begins to cry and neither Tim nor Jason make a move to comfort him, because they are too busy trying not to laugh at Dick’s crying face.

**( Dick: Jason is being so rude. He doesn’t understand what I’m going through right now and his comments aren’t helpful. )**

Dick glares at Jason. This scene was clearly filmed at a later date because Tim is nowhere to be found, Dick’s hair is parted the other way and there is no more dirt on the floor. Dick’s eyebrows are raised and he pouts his lips out in a show of beautiful indignation. He  keeps his face at such an angle that the sunlight shines against the unmistakable golden swathe of a highlighter by Yves Saint Laurent, which Dick will later post about on Instagram

* * *

Dick is now in his huge, walk-in closet. One wall is entirely made up of mirrors, there are about a thousand running shoes and hundred pairs of  identical yoga pants. In the corner is some sort of blurred out, black onesie with a blue chevron design on it. Tim sits on the carpet with his back to the wall, typing furiously on his laptop.

Dick is digging through his outfits when he suddenly gasps. “Oh my god!” Dick says. He pauses, lending the producers a perfect moment to cut for a commercial break. 

“What is it?” Tim looks up from his computer. His delivery is completely monotone but necessary, because Dick needs someone to talk to. 

“I found a picture of my parents.” Dick picks it up and shows it to the camera. The camera pans down the photo of The Flying Graysons, and shakily zooms in on the smiling faces of Dick’s late mother and father. 

Dick starts sniffling. 

“Don’t cry.” Tim says, and he looks like he really does not want to deal with this right now. 

“I just really wish they were here,” Dick says. “It’s hard to remember that they’re gone. They always knew what to do.” He wipes his eyes very carefully.

Tim goes back to typing on his laptop for a few moments, leaving Dick to have his moment alone with the photograph. Finally Tim speaks up.

“Why don’t you try talking to Bruce?” Tim suggests. “He usually has some ideas.”

* * *

The next scene opens with Dick strutting into Bruce’s study. The study is dark, lit only by a  beam of white sunlight illuminating Bruce Wayne’s imposing figure. Bruce sits behind an iMac with a blurred out Bat-logo stuck over the Apple. 

“Hey Bruce,” Dick starts. He keeps his tone cheerful and light. “I need some money.”

Bruce Wayne turns towards Dick in his high-backed, leather executive chair. He cuts a sharp figure, and his eyes are steely.

“How much?” Bruce asks.

“Two Million.”

Bruce seems completely unbothered. He opens his chequebook, pulls out a pen and begins writing. “Do you mind telling me what this is for?“

Dick is silent. He looks like a deer in headlights.  Bruce stops writing and just looks at Dick over his reading glasses. He hasn't signed the cheque yet.

**( Bruce: I’m guessing he trashed another car and he doesn’t want to tell me. )**

Dick knows he cannot divulge the details of the shame that is about to come upon their family. He walks away without the money, not saying anything more. The camera turns to follow him, lingering on his ass for far longer than necessary. 

* * *

We get an establishing shot of the black Bentley as it cruises through moderate Gotham-bound traffic on the freeway. We cut in to a dashboard-camera shot of Dick and his best friend and ex-girlfriend from Season 2, Barbara Gordon.

“What am I gonna do Babs?” Dick whines, as he drives along. “I can’t just tell Bruce. He’ll kill me. He warned me about this.”

Barbara sits in the passenger seat. Her red hair falls around her shoulders in glossy waves. She looks out the window with an aloof resolve, her eyes hidden by a pair of designer aviators. “Why don’t you just let them release the video?” Barbara suggests. “It’ll be embarrassing for all of a minute but it will help your career and probably boost the company’s stock value.”

“Barbara you are so right.” Dick says.

**( Dick: Barbara is so smart.  I decided I’m going to take Barbara's advice. I feel really good about this right now. )**

* * *

It’s evening and we are now in Dick’s bedroom. Dick is lounging on a huge four-poster bed. He wears a white bathrobe and his face is covered in a white-green mask of paste. “I just love this hydrating facial from La Mer.” Dick says conversationally casting a sidelong glance at the camera. “It’s really good for your skin and it’s so cheap.”

Tim sits at the foot of the bed. He doesn’t respond, opting instead to type away on his laptop. 

“You know,” Dick changes the topic. “I’ve decided I’m just going to let the video leak. Maybe it was meant to happen.” Dick sounds very zen, as if he truly has found peace with his situation.

**( Dick: Also it will be a good career move for me right now and ultimately that is the most important thing. )**

Tim breathes in slowly and exhales. “Whatever you say Dick.” Tim says, his eyes darting around the laptop screen. He smiles and looks satisfied with something, and then he hits a button.

Dick pulls out his phone, and begins typing a response to the unknown ex-lover.  Dick reads aloud as he texts:

“Listen bozo,” Dick types, the keys clicking away. "I don’t know who this is but you are not getting my money. I don’t bow to threats..so if you want to leak the video, go right ahead.”

Dick hits send. He puts the phone down and looks very proud of himself, but not too proud because he knows that it’s important to limit facial movement while La Mer’s hydrating facial is working its magic. 

**( Dick: I felt very empowered. It takes a lot of strength to say that. )**

Dick’s phone beeps a few minutes later. “I got a response.” Dick announces. He goes on to read it out loud: "The video is gone. Forget I said anything.”

Dick covers his mouth gasps and breaks into a huge smile. “I can’t believe it! It’s gone.” He hugs Tim and gets face cream all over Tim’s hoodie.

* * *

The lilting keys of bittersweet_piano_04.mp3 play, introducing us to the scene. We pan across the pristine white living room, past the leather sofas and the modern art, to stop at the floor-to-wall windows. This is where Dick stands, his back to the camera and the curve of his bottom beautifully displayed in a pair of leggings by Givenchy. He gazes outside towards their olympian in-ground pool, and in the far background, young Damian, who isn’t yet allowed to be on the show due to age restrictions, attempts to goad a squirrel into a Prada shoebox.

We don’t linger on this. Instead our focus is on Dick, as he stares out the window in thought. In his hand he holds the photo of his parents.

Dick speaks. “It might have been some technical problem, or it might have been an act of God…” His voice is thoughtful, introspective. "But deep down? I know it was my parents watching out for me. They’re my guardian angels.” Dick’s eyes get teary. "And I know that even though they’re gone, they’ll always be there to catch me when I fall.”

We get one last close up of The Flying Grayson’s photo, and the scene fades to black. 

* * *

Tim sits down in front of the camera and speaks. “Yeah. “ He says. "It was all me.” 

Tim looks tired but relieved. “I don’t want to get into the details. But I wrote a code that would track down Dick’s past lovers, retrieve any risqué material exchanged between them and scramble it until the files were corrupted. After that, the material was remotely deleted. It was pretty simple stuff, honestly. But it got the job done.”

Offscreen, the interviewer asks a question.

“Am I going to tell Dick the truth?” Tim repeats. Tim pauses for a moment, and then he simply shakes his head. “No. “ He says. “Never.” 

end


End file.
